Seeing as I am certainly your greatest customer, I would like to take a moment to discuss something with you: thighs. I, like most women, keep mine between my hips and my knees. I was under the impression they were meant to be just a bit meaty…you know…like something to grab on to, to propel me when I run, to help me lift heavy shopping bags and the like.

However, after spending an obscene amount of money on numerous pairs of your pants I now realize you are not familiar with thighs.

Please see Marilyn Monroe and Daisy Duke for examples. I assure you, Vicky, when AC/DC sang about American thighs, they weren’t picturing the stick legs of a 13-year-old.

My confusion continues regarding your ignorance of thighs because, as proven by the 5 pairs of your pants I tried on tonight, you are acutely aware of the FUVA (fat upper vagina area) which plagues some ladies. Your pants fit comfortably in the waist, yet allow excess room for what would have to be a very generously sized FUVA, then continue on into a teeny tiny expanse of material suitable for a femur, sure, but certainly not for a thigh. I ask you, Vicky, what woman do you know with a tiny waist, a massive FUVA, and a complete lack of thighs?

I can only then conclude that you simply forgot to install the thigh space in the 5 pairs of pants I purchased from you. I will return them so that you may add the thighs into the pants and then we can continue on with our relationship which, until today, has only been mutual love for one other.

With much love,
Your Friend With The Regular Thighs

PS: Thanks for the lift…no one’s even going to notice my thighs ; )

PSS: Sorry for saying “vagina.”

If you’re looking for natural light, professional prom photos that are fun, unique and modern – you’re at the right place!

Mini Prom Sessions - $20, cash or check due at the session
Location: Spring Lake Park, Streator
Time Frame: 1 p.m. to 6 p.m.
Booking: Email me at maggie@maggiemedemaphoto.com or send a Facebook message to Maggie Medema Photography.
Details: Sessions will last 10-15 minutes and will include 3 poses.

You’ll view finished proofs in an online gallery (a week or so later) where you can order whatever prints you want!

I’m happy to do any type of group…but each different couple/group is a session. For example if you want photos with your hot date, that’s 1 session. If you’d like photos with just your best girl friends, that’s another session.

Keep in mind these photos are outdoors. The weather may not be ideal. I’ll have shelter in place so that we can get shots even if it rains lightly - but you’ll want an umbrella to get from the parking lot to the shoot.

If it pours, storms or our lives will be in danger, we’re out of luck. If your session has to be cancelled because of weather, you will get a phone call. I know that’s disappointing but that’s just the nature of natural light photography. It’s like farming. But with a camera.

Call your friends, hash it out and shoot me an email. Then pray for sunshine and relax!

But hurry up about it because I can only take the first 16 sessions. I’m just one woman after all.

I took the cook book very seriously. I made a massive (seriously, massive) shopping list of every ingredient that I would need to cook each of the 25 recipes that marked “try immediatley.” I’m not a fan of grocery shopping and having done this has greatly reduced the amount of time I spend making lists and shopping. I can pick from dinners from the book and know that everything is already on hand.

I’ll share my favorites as I go. Cus I’m nice like that. Here’s 3 that we liked quite a lot:

Key West Ribs

2 1/2 lb country-style pork ribs

1/4 cup chopped onion

1/4 cup barbecue sauce (I like Sweet Baby Rays for this one)

1 teaspoon grated lime peel

2 tablespoons lime juice

1 teaspoon grated orange peel

1/4 cup orange juice (I used fresh squeezed from the orange I zested. One big navel orange did the trick.)

1/2 teaspoon salt

Mix all the ingredients except the ribs. Place the ribs in the crock pot. Pour the mixture over them. Cook on low for 7 to 9 hours. Spoon sauce over ribs when serving.

That’s stupid easy, right? It was good, very summery, very citrusy.

Cajun Pot Roast with Maqu Choux (in English – with corn)

2 1/2 lb boneless beef chuck roast

2 1/2 tablespoon Cajun seasoning (worth the addition to your grocery list)

1 can corn (drained)

1/2 cup chopped onion

1/2 cup chopped green pepper

1 can diced tomatoes (undrained)

1/8 teaspoon peper (more if you’re into pepper)

1/2 teaspoon red pepper sauce (worth the addition to grocery list)

Rub the entire beef roast with Cajun seasoning. And don’t be skimpy. Put it in the crock pot. Top with corn, onion and bell pepper.

Mix up the tomatoes, pepper and pepper sauce. Pour it over the veggies and roast. Cook 8 to 10 hours on low. Slice it up and served topped with the corn mixture.

It’s seriously, amazingly delicious!

Hot Artichoke and Spinach Dip

Stop wasting money at AppleBee’s and start making this stuff at home! It’s good for your hips!

1 can quartered artichoke hearts, drained and chopped (they’re near the salad dressing!)

1 box frozen spinach, thawed and squeezed to drain

1 cup shredded swiss cheese (be reasonable, buy the block, shredd yourself!)

1/2 cup of jared Alfredo pasta sauce**

1/2 cup mayo

3/4 teaspoon garlic salt**

1/4 teaspoon pepper

**I used Roasted Garlic Parmesan Alfredo sauce and skipped the garlic sauce. I also sprinkled a good layer of grated Parmesean on top just a few minutes before we ate it. It was awesome.

Mix it all up and put it in a small slower cooker. Heat it up for 2 to 4 hours on low. Serve with slicked french bread or tortilla chips.

Definitely three of the easiest recipes I’ve made in a very long time! Happy eating!!

This is not something we should be ignoring:

Sitting in my office today, with college students bouncing back and forth in the hallway outside my door, I’m deeply disturbed by the number of them that admittedly don’t even know there was an earthquake, let alone a tragedy that will likely be among the most devastating world events in our lives.

Maybe sympathy and empathy are empty offerings to the people of Haiti. Maybe it makes no difference if we mourn with them. But at the very least, we must be aware.

Beyond your awareness, I encourage you to offer assistance by making a financial donation.

Times are tough, believe me, I get that.

But even on our darkest days, in our worst financial binds, we will never know the poverty that Haitians face, the struggle they are about to endure, the hopelessness or the despair.

I’m certain that if you debit $10 from your checking account, by next week, you won’t remember it.

At least 50 individual people read this blog every day. If every one of you donates $10, we will have contributed $500. The annual per capita income in Haiti is $560. If someone handed you a check nearly equal to your yearly income, I’m certain it would put a dent in your personal financial crisis.

Pick which ever agency you prefer. CNN can provide a list of vetted organizations that are already assisting in Haiti and are gauranteed to put your money where it belongs.

If you don’t have time to write a check or enter your credit card info, pick up that cell phone. It does more than send silly text messages.

Texting Donations:

Red Cross: Text HAITI to 90999 ($10 donation)

William J. Clinton Foundation: Text “HAITI” to 20222 ($10 donation)

Yéle Haiti: Text YELE to 501501 ($5 donation)

(Yéle Haiti was founded in 2005 by Wyclef Jean. I like it because it aside from providing aid during a crisis, it regular works to promote awareness about Haiti.)

All donations will be charged to your cell phone bill.

See…when that $10 is added to your already insane cell phone bill, you won’t even notice. Haiti, however, will notice.

Beyond that I have only a bit of ranting to do.

The next time you want to complain about American government, American laws and control, the next you want to cuss a police office for patrolling the street or complain that your community hospital isn’t worth its salt… shut up for just a minute and thank the good Lord you were born into a place that has a stable government, a working state system and a health care system.

As flawed as all those systems may be, and as much as we would all like to revamp them to suit our own agendas, we ought to remember just how lucky we are to have them in the first place.

And when you finish reading this blog. Say a prayer. Say a prayer for all of Haiti and say a prayer for this tiny person:

Photography is my drug. It rocks my socks. I guess there’s just some things you’re supposed to do.

I haven’t photoed anything or processed a photo in over a week. It was painful, but I was sick and bound to my couch with a book (a book about a wedding photographer, so at least there was that). Tonight I played with some honeymoon pictures. It seemed like a good idea. I slave (in a good way) for hours to bring out the most in everyone elses photos! So I figured I’d try it on my vacation photos, the kind that normally get the 1-hour printing and stuffed in an album treatment.

So here are three of my favorites from my photo fun tonight:

Steel drums melt my heart. Most definitely my favorite sound in the world. Best paired with lightly crashing waves and frozen rum beverages.

Big favorite with this one. That kiddo was about 11 years old. And rockin’ his horse down the beach all by his lonesome tryin to make a buck. Smart kid to recognize what few resources he had…a horse, a beach, a sunset and a scrawny build that looks good in silhouette.

Another favorite. I grabbed my camera because this guy grabbed my attention. He’d stopped yelling out about his wares, stopped lobbying for attention. He was quiet, just looking, walking a bit slower than he had when he’d headed the other way down the beach an hour or so before. Made we wonder what was on his mind. My favorite thing about this whole photo is his bare feet and the exact way he’s holding that hat in his hand. (Yes I realize I’m getting deep over a photo of a Jamaican with a bag of hats. I told you photography was my drug.)

So anywho there’s some photos to warm you up while we await the next great snow storm!

When I was young (as opposed to my current very old state) I did A LOT of reading. It was my favorite. It still is. But one series of books had a very lasting impression on me. They left me itching to form clubs, hold meetings, write bylaws, start my own business with nothing but a dream and an oversized plaid shirt and denim overalls.

One wonders now, as I sit amongst print outs and guides from the Small Business Association, why Ann M. Martin never chronicled Kristy and Mary Anne’s decision on whether or not to incorporate.

That’s right. I’m talking about the Babysitters Club. Life altering, endlessly entertaining literature that left me with a huge appreciate for friendship, entrepreneurship, and the wacky results of combining the two. (This is all wildly ironic to me. Kate – my childhood BFF and fellow blogger - have a Thursday evening date to discuss a joint business proposal. She was a Babysitters Club fan too – I don’t think it’s a coincidence.)

Anyway – the point of all my BSC blabbing…I just read on CNN that Ann M. Martin is writing a prequel to the series!! Here’s hoping that the new book helps Kristi, Mary Ann, Claudia (oh my gosh she was so cool) and Stacey win over the hearts of another generation of girls.

(And encourages them to develop friendships and businesses and build their ideas rather than encouraging them to find boyfriends who are vampires.)

You can bet my name will be at the top of the pre-order list.

We’ll return to regularly scheduled blogging next week.

It was 5 a.m. on Thursday and the sun hadn’t even thought of rising yet. But at the Rhynes’ household things were a bustling. SUVS, trucks and trailers were receiving their final once over, assuring that every decoration, mum, dress shirt and shoe was accounted for. Coffee and energy drinks were being rapidly consumed.

The back of the Jeep packed with flowers on one side and the dress on the other. Which ended up looking a lot like we were transporting a body.

He's pretty excited given the time of morning. And the rain. And the cold.

Brake lights, tail lights and trailer lights were blinking and flashing through the darkness as parking spots were switched and the caravan got into line.

Part of the caravan getting into place.

No, it wasn’t a gypsy circus. It was Operation Galena. The full-scale cooperative effort to transport an entire wedding from one city to another.

Directing the traffic

Gas gauges were checked, doors were locked and it was time to hit the road. Zac backed our Jeep out of the long driveway, the caravan waiting patiently to fall in line behind its leader. And then he almost ran over the neighbor who thought it would be wise to walk his teeny tiny dog in complete darkness. The neighbor and his dog backed quickly down the curb, making way for the caravan. He stared in wonder at what his eyes did behold. And he muttered, “What the -expletive- are they doing?” Surely he thought we were making an elaborate getaway. That some devastating indictment was about to be unsealed and we were going on the lam. There were no cans tied to bumpers, no “Just Married” signs in the window. No hints at all. Just a team of 6 very tired but excited people, 3 very full vehicles and one nondescript trailer full of hay bales, mums, linen burlap and lace. It was Operation Galena and it was on hitting the road.

As we drove North we watched the sun rise over the corn fields and every thing was aglow with the deep golden color of fall. Farmers were just taking to their fields, ready for a satisfying harvest.

Actually it rained. A lot. And you couldn’t see the sun through the dense, dark clouds. And there were no farmers in the fields on account of the lakes that were forming in fields, leaving farmers to wait until November to harvest their dang corn. Reality is poetic like that.

Operation Galena, despite the less than favorable weather conditions, was running right on schedule. We needed to arrive at the hotel before our very important Fed Ex package arrived. All of the wedding flowers had been ordered online and while half of them had been delivered to Streator Wednesday morning, the remainder were being delivered to the hotel Thursday morning. So we had to be prepared to receive and tend to the flowers before 10 a.m. And we wanted an extra afternoon to have fun and enjoy Galena!

We rolled into Galena somewhere around 8:30. It was still raining. And still freezing cold. And the bride, in all her sense, had not packed a coat or jacket. Or umbrella.

We announced our arrival at the front desk. “Good morning! We’re here to get married! Ready to tie the knot! Get hitched! Let the church bells ring! Please hand over the keys to the ballroom so that we can take it over!”

Everyone at the Ramada was instantly helpful, rushing out to the caravan with luggage racks and shipping carts. They were horrified when we began unloading bales of hay into their spotless ballroom. Genuinely confused by why anyone would show up with hay, corn stalks and pumpkins when there were such lovely, polished silver candelabras available.

Within an hour, the caravan was unloaded. Each tote box, carefully labeled with inventory and directions, was placed in its proper place.

And then Fed Ex delivered this gorgeousness:

Oh how I loved them.

I was so relived that there were not only alive and healthy, but beautiful!!

We lunched at the mini-Subway inside the discount liquor store. But dining among the boxed wine and clearanced out whiskey only added to the circus-like feeling of the day.

Thursday continued on its quest to be the longest, rainiest day in history.

After lunch, the errand running began.

We got our Marriage License at the County Courthouse.

Yay! It's legal!

We stopped by the tuxedo rental shop to try on the tuxes. None of the tuxes fit. At all. There was no yelling, panicking, no having of meltdowns. Everything just kept rolling! It was a relief. (Although I really wish I’d taken photos of the ill-fitting tuxes.)

We popped in and out of a few Galena shops and bought bags of goodies at the Galena Canning Company.

(Side story: We almost lost Ashli when she started sampling the “Ghost Pepper Sauce” on display despite her ability to read the signs: “Warning: Extremely Hot. Use Caution.” One sign even said “This is not a joke. Keep Children Away.” There was a flashing red light above it. She tasted it anyway. When I turned around she was purple. And gasping for air. We almost lost her, but she ate some jelly and slowly the purple started to fade. But it was close there for a while.)

Manicures were up next.

The mama, gettin her nails did.

Me. Please note I'm happy because its Wedding Week. Not because a stranger is playing with my cuticles.

Then we headed to dinner. Dinner with my entire family is never quiet or boring. I like it that way. We ate at Durty Gurts. (This would the first of three times Zac and I would eat there over the weekend. It was that good.)

Massive burgers were tackled.

We wouldn't let him leave until we finished. I'm kidding of course, his tux was already too tight!

Pictures were taken.

Too funny.

Fun was had by all.

And finally. About 20 hours after it began, our Thursday work was finished. And for as much work as we crammed into that day it was actually quite low-key which is exactly what I was hoping for! It was starting to feel like a vacation!

So we hit the hay to get ready for Friday morning, which meant one thing: flowers.

You can be relieved to know that we’ve received all of our professional wedding photos now, so from here on out the blogs will be that much more fun to look at!

Previous Installments of Tales of Tying the Knot:
Tales of Tying the Knot: It Began on a Tuesday

They’re just so pretty!

And they have frills.
Lace, buttons and lace covered buttons.
Ruffles, ruching and ruched ruffles.

And some of them are big and soft and princessy!
And some are skin tight, allowing for minimal breathing but maximum curve appeal.

I love them all and I can’t stop trying them on.

Thank God I have a reason. I’m not just another former bride in denial. I’m also a wedding dress model : )

Of the ameature sort of course.
And only on a temporary basis.
And just for the St. Louis Gateway Bridal Show.
But still.
It’s a handy excuse.

I went by the hosting bridal shop, Elegant Brides, last night to browse the racks and make my picks for the show.

Of course, I picked this one first:

It’s kind of the love of my life. And I’ll wear it whenever I have the chance. Include family gatherings, various cookouts and Halloween.

Then I picked these babies:

This one I’m actually wearing in bright white with silver beading. I think in looks like a chandelier…

Oh sweet beauty. This one I LOVE! I would have worn this one for my own wedding…

Love this one too!! So different! And I’m wearing it in a darker ivory. You can’t tell in the photo but it sparkles like you wouldn’t believe! It deserves a rear view too…

It’s a lot easier to choose a wedding gown when you won’t be wearing it for your own wedding! Or for an entire day! It got a little tricky since the dresses won’t be altered, they have to fit just right off the rack. But it was tons and tons of fun to be back in the bridal shop surrounded by all that wedding couture!

I’ll let you know if I trip on the runway.